[ surf music plays ] woman: hi. hi. hi. maybe you could help me out. we'll try. i have a problem. i've joined a convent. the ceremony is tomorrow, and i give myself to the lord. and i must tell you -- i'm a virgin. and i really don't know what it's like. and after tomorrow, i never will do that ain. and i just want to get laid at least once. do you know anybody? i'm sorry, no. i don't know if we can help you with that directly. yeah.

the two of us are dating. you're dating? yeah. do you have a friend that's single? actually, i don't. have you ever thought about a threesome? [ laughs ] no. no, i can't say we have. thank you for talking to us, but i'm so sorry we can't help right now. well, thank you anyway. all right. you would have been a lot of fun. thanks. yeah, you're right. [ woman laughs ] [ twisted sister's "we're not gonna take it" plays ] ♪ we're not gonna take it ♪ no, we ain't gonna take it ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ nailed it. ♪ we're not gonna take it ♪ no, we ain't gonna take it ♪ we're not gonna take it ♪ anymore ah-choo! [ laughs ] ♪ we're not gonna take it no! ♪ no, we ain't gonna take it

♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ ooh! [ cheers and applause ] oh, hi. welcome to "off their rockers." i'm just getting the house ready for a friend who's coming over. [ doorbell rings ] oh! that must be him. hi, howie. come on in. hi, betty. how are you? [ laughs ] oh, wow. whoa! look at your place. what's with all the plastic on everything? what is this? oh, i'm howie-proofing my house because i know you're a -- germaphobe. [ both laugh ] that too. but i see you brought your own protection. this? uh-huh. no, no. it's not for germs. no, i want to do something special. sock puppets. yep, brought a sock puppet.

because i'm not a professional ventriloquist, i brought the mask to cover my lips, and that way, the illusion of the character remains. ♪ camptown races sing their song ♪ ♪ doo-da! ♪ doo-da! [ humming ] i'm more worried about him now than i've ever been before. doo-da-da-da-da! doo-doo-doo-doo-day! doo-doo-doo-doo-day! ♪ crazy ♪ i used to be crazy would you mind taking a picture, by chance? taking your picture? yeah, our picture. would that be all right? i'm sorry to bother you about it. not good with technology? you know this is a no-photograph zone? oh, really? yeah, this whole area. just right here? no photographs are allowed, yeah. i'm afraid i'm gonna have to write you up for that. [ laughs ] are you serious? absolutely. okay, photo violation.

didn't you see the signs that say, "no photos in this area"? i can't tell if you're being serious right now or not. absolutely. i'm serious as a heart attack, son. now, you can mail this in or you can go down to city hall and pay it. okay? have a nice day. ♪ is this real? sir, excuse me. i'm just exhausted. i'm trying to catch a connecting flight, and i just need to close my eyes a few minutes. would you mind? just don't let me go to sleep. i was actually just about to get my plane, just so you know. can you just wait a couple of seconds? yeah, yeah, yeah. it'll just take me a minute. just let me relax, okay? okay. [ snoring loudly ]

no, no. no, no, mom. no, no, mom. no, i won't be late for school. [ snoring, wheezing ] [ groans ] oh. you all right? you let me sleep. oh, my god. i got to go. i'm gonna miss the plane. okay, thanks. thank you very much. thank you. ♪ ba ba-ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ♪ ba ba-ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ♪ excuse me. can you hang on to this for one second? just one second. ♪ ...ba ba ba ba ♪ ba ba-ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ♪ yeah!

did you just see what happened? did you just see what happened? ♪ ba ba-ba-ba ba i have never read such masterful prose. i laughed. i cried. it was better than "war and peace." i'll be shocked if it doesn't win the pulitzer prize. what did you all think of it? i think, between us all, we could come up with at least 75 shades of gray. [ laughter ] [ rock music plays ] [ horn blares ] excuse me. excuse me. i need some room here. [ horn blares ] i need room. i need a little room. [ horn blares ]

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is equipped to help your child excel. purchase excedrin for a chance to win one of 5 $10,000 donations to your child's school. go to excedrin's facebook page to enter. to your child's school. ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ [ birds chirping ] you don't like to shake hands, do you, howie? no, no. i do the fist tap. i do a little tap of the fist. can you show me how to do that? yeah, just make a fist. yeah? tap me there. uh-huh. if you want to have more fun, you tap me there,

you tap me on top, you tap me on the bottom, and then, for fun, you can blow it up. [ laughs ] oh. so i just make a fist. make a fist. and i hit you in the middle. and then i hit you on top. and then i hit you on the bottom. and then for fun... and then just blow it up. [ explosion ] [ exhales sharply ] see what happens when you tap betty white? woman: hi. how are you? hi. i'm fine. what's your name? sean. oh. i'm here shopping for my granddaughter. oh, really? yeah. i went on a cruise, and then we toured africa. yeah. and i ended up with a -- i don't know what, but it itches. [ laughs ] i must have touched something in africa, but i don't know what. [ laughs ] anyway, i guess i should start shopping. okay.

[ laughs ] you have a good day. you too. bye-bye. thanks a lot. [ surf music plays ] somebody told me this is a good place to hitchhike. oh, yeah? yeah. i can't seem to be getting anybody to stop. you be careful with that. this is supposed to be the best place in town to hitchhike. yeah? really? oh, i don't know what i'm gonna do. hey, you need a ride? yeah, yeah. i'm going as far as downtown. oh, perfect, perfect! hop on. okay. can i sit in the front? i get motion sickness. sure, sure. let's go! whoo-hoo! i told you this is a good place. [ rock music plays ] hello.

hello. how are you? hi. i'm fine. what is it that you're looking for? the bike shop. the bike shop? yeah. let me tell you -- bike rental -- oh, don't listen to him. he doesn't know anything. come here. i'll tell you where it is. i want to do it before it gets dark. don't listen to her. no, no, no. don't listen to him. he knows nothing. you know what they call her? miss-information. he's so old, he can't find the zipper on his pants. ask her everything she knows. it'll take three seconds. wait. wait. wait. i'm telling you -- he couldn't find the balls on a bull. you don't even know which way is up. listen, you couldn't find cactus in arizona. so, which one of us do you like better? ♪ don't say anything ♪ don't say anything at all [ horn honks ] [ both laughing ] ♪ give me your love, love, love ♪ ♪ give me your love, love, love ♪ ♪ i got a big, big appetite

♪ and i just can't get enough ♪ give me your love, love, love ♪ sir, could you help me with my phone for a second? definitely. hey, have a seat. yeah, okay. what can i help you with? the thing is, is there's a guy over there with a hat and a blue shirt, okay? uh-huh. he's been tailing me all day. and there's a woman straight ahead. don't look too much. with the newspaper in front of her face? uh-huh. they've both been tailing me. okay, i need to lose them, so i'm gonna leave this here. i'll be back in a minute. it's very important. it's top secret. i can't do that. just keep your eye on it. [ surf music plays ]

man: what are you doing here? satan's seniors own this block. woman: let's roll! yeah! let's roll! [ laughs ] seniors rule! they sure do! [ girl ] by the way, this is not what back to school looks like. the only thing anyone really cares about is that first day. everyone will be stylin' their faves. love that! but i'll be bringing it every day, 'cause i went to jcpenney. i know, right? that's what i'm talking about. they have so much great stuff. oh, sweet! anyway, what's your first day strategy? [ female announcer ] doorbusters saturday 9:00 to 1:00. come find your first day look at jcpenney. it's a reality check. i had my reality check when i'd be sitting there with my friends who had their verizon phones and i'd be sitting there like

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[ dog barks ]

oh. it was a nice thought. [ male announcer ] some business decisions are better than others. the best decision is switching to verizon. choose verizon fios for 100% fiber optic fast internet and business class phone, both with 99.9% network reliability. all for just $99.99 a month with a two year price guarantee. plus get an additional line included. it's all backed by our worry free guarantee, with no activation fees, and more. hurry and call 1.888.774.4418 to sign up. verizon. with no activation fees, and more. ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ i am so happy to have you on this show, howie. i love being here. i'm so happy, i made you a little gift. you made these? uh-huh. what is this? it's origami.

what is this? oh, that's an afghan, how. and what's that? and that's a swan. you know, i do origami, too. you do? yeah, with tissue. oh. i do it one-handed. you're kidding. no, i'm not. i'm not. look at this. look at this. i'm able to fold. the forefinger. take the thumb in. index finger. and you have a small white boulder. there you go. that's for you. i made that. look at this one. fold, fold, fold. over. da da da-da. a cloud. oh. there you go. and i will make a -- look at this. i will fold, fold, fold. and this is...a tissue. a tissue. [ rock music plays ] can i talk to you for a minute? yeah. for a quick second. well, just for a second. do you know anything about manscaping? i don't.

i've having my first date in 50 years, and friends are telling me about manscaping. you got to be you. if you want to trim up and kind of just clean things up a little bit, that's perfectly fine just to kind of look nice, depending on where you're going. i use a straight razor. i'm old-fashioned. but i don't want to use a straight razor down there. uh...you could. i could? i mean, all i use is -- i just have a regular beard trimmer, and i just use my beard trimmer wherever i need. but i don't want to hurt myself, you know? i think you'll be just fine. i don't think you have anything to worry about. you're really wise beyond your years. you really and truly are. thank you. i appreciate that. i try. all right? you have a great day. oh, thank you. thank you very much. [ hip-hop music plays ]

excuse me. excuse me. yes? can i listen to just a couple of beats? i'm trying to get my grandson something for his birthday. okay, okay. maybe listen to it. [ laughs ] no. that kind of sucks. my grandson really is into, like, flo rida. you really don't have good taste in music. [ hip-hop music plays ] hey, what do you say, fea? free grandpa hug. just one. just one. oh! oh! oh, i can't believe it. it's wonderful. oh, oh, oh. okay. oh! oh. mm. can i hug you, too? yeah! oh, this feels so good. oh. oh! oh, that's good. oh. here, sweetie.

oh! bye-bye. that really felt so good. my friends and i are having a little party. i know. let's play charades, guys. i love charades! can i go first? well, sure. i love the passion, michael. go ahead. woman: go, michael, go. man: come on. man #2: go ahead, michael. come on, mike. let's hear it. let's hear it. movie. yeah. [ groaning ] nick. throat. "deep throat." oh, stop. [ groaning continues ] dying? death. "death of a salesman." [ groaning continues ] "die hard." looks like this may take a little while.

i don't mean to disturb you. i'm from the midwest. it's my first time ever at the beach. i'm 72 years old. [ laughs ] really? no kidding? yeah. what state? kansas. all right. kansas city. right. the thing is -- you know, they say you can hear the ocean in this. yeah. yeah. i think i can hear my wife. [ both laugh ] what is she saying? "come back to kansas." she was just -- can you hear? [ chuckles ] it's the weirdest thing. [ gasps ] woman: i can't believe this! damn it, marty! get back to the hotel! the buffet is almost closing! come on! that's my wife. i thought i could hear her. [ laughs ] have a good trip.

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like recycling and turning off the water when i brush my teeth. you can help save the planet, too. the more you know. ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ welcome back to our game of charades. unfortunately, we're no closer to figuring out what movie michael's trying to act out. man: "blue lagoon"? "blues brothers." michael, give us something to work with. "falling down." "legends of the fall." yes. you know, for a trained actor, i'm surprised he's choking so badly. that's it! "breathless." [ surf music plays ]

woman: hi. you're such a cute couple. oh, no, we're not a couple. we're just friends. really? yeah. well, maybe you ought to be. [ laughs ] you haven't been going together? no, we're just friends. really? have you thought about it? no. oh. well, in that case, you might want to give me a call sometime. [ both laugh ] you know, i'm an old dog, but i have a few good tricks. and i'm newly single. there. call me sometime. okay. you're cute. are you sure you don't want to go with him? i'm pretty sure. [ laughs ] call me, honey. ♪ if you're feeling lonely, give me a call sometime ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ uh-huh ♪ ahhhhhhhh hi. hi. how are you? fine.

i am trying to become a voice-over artist. uh-huh. and i just was hoping that you might listen to what i'm doing and tell me if i'm good or not. all right. so, this is for, like, books on tape. okay. "the velvet glove." "in the heat of passion, "raw human animalistic tendencies take over. "armando rubbed her lower lip with his rough, callused forefinger." [ both laugh ] how's that? how's that? i need to bring it up or bring it down? i think that's fine. let me try something a little different. "as he continued around to the nape of my neck --" i love that. that was really good. that's awesome. hey, ladies, you were great. have a good one. all right, you too. [ surf music plays ] look out! look out! i don't know how to drive this damn thing. whoa! look out! look out!

whoa! mon dieu! whoa, whoa, whoa! [ dogs bark ] whoa! whoa! [ chuckles ] [ dog barks ] whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! whoa! whoa! whoa! whoa! little help here. excuse me. can you help me? i need to get this wheelchair down there. okay. oh. oh. thank you very much. okay. thank you. man: excuse me. did you see a wheelchair over here?

yeah. you helped somebody steal my wheelchair? oh, no. oh, no. well, we finally figured out what michael was trying to say. it was the heimlich maneuver. which is a movie i've never even heard of. the good news is -- we won. he lived. [ chuckles ] good night, everybody.